Pow! Right in the Kisser!

Before I die I want to be slapped in the face. Not hard. I don’t want a broken jaw or anything. The blow I’m looking for isn’t meant to injure me; it’s more of an expression of unbridled disgust, preferably delivered by a woman. Perhaps someone reading this has been the victim of such a swat. Or maybe some of you have even perpetrated a smack of disgust and you wonder why anyone at Planet Haolewood would ASPIRE to be involved in such a sordid exchange.

It’s all about finding balance. I’m a nice guy, not the sort of fellow you would imagine saying or doing something so offensive that he deserves a pop in the kisser and there’s the problem. It’s not good to be too easy to pigeon-hole. There are probably many guys out there who need to work on REDUCING the number of disgust-inducing words and actions they produce but for every Yang there is Yin and maybe, in the interest of cosmic harmony, I’m the guy who needs be just a little bit MORE offensive. I’m not saying I want to make an open-palmed crack across my face a regular occurrence in my life, but if it NEVER happens, not even ONCE, then might I be considered a little too cautious? Surely there are ideas floating around in all of our minds that if expressed openly would inspire such a violent response. And while polite people usually keep such thoughts to themselves or at least make them more palatable before giving them utterance, isn’t it a little unhealthy not to let one slip through just once?

What I’m really talking about here is taking a chance. I’m not really convinced that I will ever achieve my unusual goal but think of all the provocative things I could say and do while I pursue it! Politeness is a fine characteristic but at what point does it become just a fear of saying what we really think? Maybe someday we’ll live in a perfect world where frankness never leads to a slap in the face but in the meantime I just hope who ever ends up slapping me isn’t wearing too many rings!