Planet Haolewood

A toolbox, a change of underwear, and a surfboard.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Pow! Right in the Kisser!

Before I die I want to be slapped in the face. Not hard. I don’t want a broken jaw or anything. The blow I’m looking for isn’t meant to injure me; it’s more of an expression of unbridled disgust, preferably delivered by a woman. Perhaps someone reading this has been the victim of such a swat. Or maybe some of you have even perpetrated a smack of disgust and you wonder why anyone at Planet Haolewood would ASPIRE to be involved in such a sordid exchange.

It’s all about finding balance. I’m a nice guy, not the sort of fellow you would imagine saying or doing something so offensive that he deserves a pop in the kisser and there’s the problem. It’s not good to be too easy to pigeon-hole. There are probably many guys out there who need to work on REDUCING the number of disgust-inducing words and actions they produce but for every Yang there is Yin and maybe, in the interest of cosmic harmony, I’m the guy who needs be just a little bit MORE offensive. I’m not saying I want to make an open-palmed crack across my face a regular occurrence in my life, but if it NEVER happens, not even ONCE, then might I be considered a little too cautious? Surely there are ideas floating around in all of our minds that if expressed openly would inspire such a violent response. And while polite people usually keep such thoughts to themselves or at least make them more palatable before giving them utterance, isn’t it a little unhealthy not to let one slip through just once?

What I’m really talking about here is taking a chance. I’m not really convinced that I will ever achieve my unusual goal but think of all the provocative things I could say and do while I pursue it! Politeness is a fine characteristic but at what point does it become just a fear of saying what we really think? Maybe someday we’ll live in a perfect world where frankness never leads to a slap in the face but in the meantime I just hope who ever ends up slapping me isn’t wearing too many rings!


At 8/16/2006, Blogger Summer Pierre said...

okay now I feel like slapping you for wanting to be slapped! Actually, you could just get into a relationship with a crazy dramatic female that is THE SLAPPING kind. It doesn't even have to depend on YOU to WARRANT a slap--she could just be slap happy! There are people out there who will oblige! BUT you must be of the type that is attracted to that kind of velocity. So, ask yourself--are you MAN ENOUGH to go to that LOW POINT? Are you punk? HUH?

At 8/16/2006, Blogger BOR-ee-us said...

Hmmm.... that's an interesting thought, Summer. I hadn't looked at it like that. I think the point is to really DESERVE the slap. If someone slaps me just because she's a psycho I wouldn't feel that I had achieved my goal but I'll keep your idea in mind if things don't go well and no one seems inclined to slap me.

At 8/16/2006, Anonymous Matt said...

If it helps, Bor, I'll kick you in the nuts.

At 8/24/2006, Anonymous Joodee said...

Can I kick Matt in the nuts?

I once slapped a man in the face. It was about 16 years ago, and I am not positive, but I THINK it was because he said that Twin Peaks sucked. I think I slapped him lightly enough to say I was kidding, but hard enough that he thought I was a bitch after that.

At 8/28/2006, Anonymous A-Leee-da said...

I agree withh Summer Bor, the problem isn't you, its just that the people you hang with are too nice and self controled. I slapped a Greek man in a bar in Greece once. He was the bar tender and had gotten a Dutch friend of mine really drunk and then in a corner and although she was having fun with him he wouldn't let her go later when everyone was trying to leave. She couldn't open her eyes or stand, he was holding her up by both arms. I got right up in his face and slapped him, not as hard as I could have, but as Judy make a point (that's probably the kind you're looking for, right?) It shocked me and him. I don't think women hit men in Greece very often...he slowly explained to me, "never do that again in this country" as he let go of my friend.
If you want to get slapped, hang out in bars or around people with drug addictions.
Good luck!


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