Planet Haolewood

A toolbox, a change of underwear, and a surfboard.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Miraculous New Weight Loss Plan that REALLY WORKS!

Do you want to shed some of those unwanted pounds? Are you gullible? Is your self-esteem so low that you are vulnerable to unscrupulous quacks selling hopelessly unrealistic “miracle solutions?” Then look no further, my friend because today by some freak stroke of good luck you have stumbled upon a miraculous new weight loss plan that inexplicably succeeds where every single other plan has failed. And the best part is that you don’t have to buy anything, change your diet, your exercise habits or change anything about your life at all for that matter. And what’s more it will SAVE you money. That’s right: eat exactly the same diet that got you fat in the first place, exercise no more than you do now –even if you do nothing at all but watch television- and watch in amazement as the fat simply vanishes before your eyes –all without spending a dime. In fact, you’ll SAVE money.

I’m sure you’re dying to know the details of this incredible weight loss program but before I describe it to you I want to tell you about myself. I’m not a doctor, dietician, psychiatrist, or guru. In fact, I have no training or expertise whatsoever. I’ve never lost weight using this program nor do I know anyone else who has which is why it’s so amazing that this incredible plan REALLY WORKS!

So how does it work? Let me tell you how I discovered this incredible weight loss process. Last winter I was remodeling a house in a particularly shady dark little valley in Northern California where it tended to get a little cold. All the windows and doors had been torn out so I was working all day in the cold. Everyday I would come home FAMISHED. I ate huge dinners. In anticipation of my hungry days I started eating bigger breakfasts and still I was hungry all the time. I couldn’t get enough to eat because my body was burning so many calories just to keep warm. What do you suppose I found when I moved to Hawaii? You guessed it. My appetite diminished dramatically. Even though I am just as active if not more so I need fewer calories because the temperature is higher.

So how can my experience help you shed those extra flabs of fat? Those of you who live in a climate where heating your home is necessary simply TURN DOWN YOUR THERMOSTAT and do nothing else differently. Of course you must not eat more. If you increase your caloric intake you’ll cancel the effects of lowering the temperature in your home. How can I be so sure the miraculous plan works even though I’ve never tried it? It’s the laws of physics, people. For every action there is an equal and opposite REaction. What goes up must come down. Every object in the universe attracts every other object with a force inversely proportional to the square of the circumference of your hips. Or something like that. Like I said, I’m not psychiatrist. It’s not important why or how it works or even WEATHER it works. Nothing can diminish for one moment the indisputable logic of my simple plan.

Of course, not only will you be loosing weight, you’ll be saving money on your heating bill. And not only will you be saving money but you’ll also be saving the world from global warming AND reducing the United States’ dependency on foreign oil thus preserving the Artic National Wildlife Refuge, helping to bring peace to the Middle East, taking the umph out of the War on Terror, and restoring our nations tarnished image around the world! Little Iraqi babies will be named after you by parents overwhelmed with gratitude for your role in bringing an end to the bloodshed in that far away land. And best of all you will look better than you do now.

So as the chill of fall approaches and you find yourself brushing up on the directions printed on the inside flap of your thermostat just remember my amazing and simple idea and ask yourself, “could that actually WORK?”


At 9/22/2006, Blogger Mr.X said...

Interesting subject but I just can't believe it really works. Greetings from Croatia!

At 9/22/2006, Blogger BOR-ee-us said...

Laws of physics, brah

At 11/05/2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Looking good there bor ee us
looks like your enjoying your life there and having fun jumping off cliffs,be carefull,miss you
take care Kristin


Post a Comment

<< Home